<human>: Give me the gist of the text in a nutshell

My wife and I have been together for almost ten years, married for 7. We've been going through some very difficult relationship struggles for a while now and things are wearing on me. We have a pattern where things will be ok, but then there will be some sort of catalyst (I forget to do something, or she feels angry or upset about something) that gets her very upset with me because I'm unable to really understand her feelings and unable communicate with her in a way that indicates we're both on the same page. I'll say something inadequate, or passive aggressive, or submissive, which then escalates the situation and causes her to get extremely upset, often to the point of tears, anger, etc. I'll be unable to deal with this, causing me to get upset as well and just completely send the situation spiraling out of control.

I'm very down because I know this pattern exists and try as I might I can't seem to break it. We were working on a two week stretch of positive interaction and foundation building when it all blew up in my face again today, stemming from a minor incident (as it always does) where I failed to anticipate the potential disaster (as I always do), and failed to act appropriately to control the situation and keep it from escalating (as I never do).

I don't want to get divorced, I love her dearly and want to make this work. The fundamental issue in our relationship I believe is that I don't know myself and lack confidence, which makes it so I can't truly communicate and relate to her in a real, intimate way.

I know therapy is good and I have one, I'm just having a hard time battling the despair and depression that comes from constant failure. I would appreciate any advice that could be offered towards fighting this sense of failure and despair, so that I can find the energy and heart to keep trying and pull my marriage out of of the gutter. I'm happy to provide more details in the comments.
<bot>: marriage failing due to a pattern of disfunction that I can't seem to break out of. Feeling depressed and despair due to constant failure. Need help not sinking into a hole.