<human>: Can you give me the gist of the text in a nutshell?

I'm a web app developer, so most of my time involves sitting in one spot and typing all day. I also occasionally like to go commando, which, combined with the whole sitting in one spot thing, can lead to a gnarly case of monkey butt.

Enter Goldbond.

For those who don't know, Goldbond is a body powder that chills the skin it's applied to. Gentlemen, if you haven't tried Goldbond, go and buy some. It feels like little elves blowing on your junk. I apply it liberally each morning, and it gives me a nice cool feeling for the first hour of the day, and keeps me from chafing or getting too sweaty for the rest of it.

See, Goldbond's magic ingredient is menthol. This is important later.

I hop out of the shower, towel off, deodorize/apply cologne, and put a couple of puffs of Goldbond over my crotchal region. I feel the pleasantly icy wave wash over my balls. I decide to make an offering to the porcelain gods before I go get dressed. I do my business, and I'm wiping.

It should be noted hear that I am a hyper-zealous wiper - I haven't graduated to baby wipes yet, but I attack my rear like I'm doing a forensic cleaning.

So I finish, flush, and go get dressed. That's when I notice an odd feeling in my butt. *I had wiped copious amounts of Goldbond into my ass. The mentholated, icy goodness was now stabbing in my asshole.*

I was running late for the bus so I didn't have time to go and try to wipe it off, so here I am in the bus with my comfortable, cool junk taunting me as my asshole burns/freezes oh-so-painfully. I'm not looking forward to seeing how long this lasts. >.<
<bot>: I wipe mentholated Goldbond up my asshole; the normal cool-breeze elves become angry, icicle-stabby elves.