<human>: Could you distill the essence of the text into 1-3 sentences?

So, I have an issue with needing male approval. It is the thing I think about the most. My greatest fantasies are to do with being sexually desired or lovingly comforted by a man I may know or a celebrity male (in my head he is available and wants me). 

I have never once enjoyed an actual relationship (but then I have only dated cold men). I think I go for cold/withholding men to keep me playing this approval-seeking game and to keep the relationship/attraction going otherwise I would not be interested (so in real life, an available man is not attractive to me - I need distance). 

I am always very unhappy in a relationship and I 'shadow' the man (I don't feel like an equal but more like his 'assistant'). I have no equal voice. I've started to wonder if I will ever be attracted to an available man even though I fantasise about it endlessly. 

So the problem is how do I work out if I want an actual relationship or not? I know it sounds odd to ask internet strangers 'what do I want?' but if you recognise your former self in this please tell me what was going on with you and if you realised you didn't actually want a relationship or that you did etc.
<bot>: I never feel as if an actual available person could ever attract me the way a fantasy 'available' man/crush does so does that mean I don't actually want a real-life relationship?