<human>: Can you summarize the given text in a few sentences?

This happened not half an hour ago, I was getting ready for my job as a a bartender. I always wank before work, since it relaxes me and I can only assume my customers appreciate my shit eating grin. I recently discovered I can make myself squirt and have intense orgasms with my new vibrator. 6 orgasms down, I feel it coming...literally. I scoot to the end of my bed, not wanting to wash my sheets AGAIN, and proceed to shoot lady juices all over my floor. I lay back down, blissful, only to hear a knock at my door. My roommate starts to twist the door handle, I spring to my feet, only to have my post coital jelly legs slip in the mess I made for myself. My head cracks hard on the wooden floorboards, and my roomie having heard the crash, swings the door open, only to see me, clutching my vibrator, robe open, clutching my head in a puddle. She screams sorry and slams the door shut. 

Now I'm on my way to work, head pounding and shame burning deep in my stomach. I can't imagine the next time we pass in the hallway there will be much eye contact.
<bot>: slipped in a PUDDDLE of squirty lady juice, scarring my roommate for life, who was only offering me food.