<human>: This isn't news by any stretch, but I'd still like to talk about it and gain some perspective.

I've only ever had one actual relationship, which ended almost 4 years ago. A fling my sophomore year of HS, and a (sorta) ONS back in April of this year.

I liked the stability of the relationship. I really appreciated the fact that at the end of the day I had someone who loved me on that level. The breakup, while amicable, was pretty brutal and is a big stumbling block when it comes to finding another relationship.

What I didn't like was I felt I had to be... not myself, I guess. I'm pretty eccentric and a bit off-color. I felt I had to rein that in a bit for the sake of the relationship. For what it's worth, a lot of that came from myself.

As far as the fling, I liked that I was pretty free to be myself. What I didn't like is that I kinda felt like flavor of the month...

I didn't like the ONS much at all. Then again, I thought things were heading in a completely different direction, so there's that to consider... The sex was pretty good though.

Looking through all of this, I guess I want something casual, but sincere. Something intimate, but not forced. Something fun, but not frivolous. It's like I want a best friend that I have sex with, but... not like that?

is there even a word for this? "Companionship" seems to fit, at least for me, but that kind of has a seedy connotation... Someone mind talking with me about this so I can get a better understanding of what's going on inside my head.

Could you distill the essence of the text into 1-3 sentences?
<bot>: I don't know what I want because it's like it contradicts itself. Can we talk about this so I know if something like this even exists?