<human>: It started when I was a kid. My dad would always tell me that honesty was the best policy, and that lying would take you to Hell, etc. Whenever he thought I was lying, he'd beat me, saying he was 'beating the devil out of me' and that he only did it because 'he loved me'. That was when the molestation began.

But let's not talk about that. I need help with my sister's birth mother, who just found out I like older women and tried to gut me with a bread knife. She sliced through half my pinky finger from me blocking her swing when the cops got there. They proceded to beat me and tell me I shouldn't fight women, and that it makes me a coward. 

I'm with my gay cousin in another state, who just got out of prison for selling crack cocaine to an undercover kindergartener. Shit's fucked up, I know. My only way to cope with what's happened to me in the past few hours is to skim reddit posts for believable submissions. I can't though, because a large amount of AskReddits are more about telling absurdly strange stories, followed by questions that have one of two flaws: A) The obvious answer is "Get a lawyer" or B) "How the fuck should I know? My wife didn't try to kill me because my bisexual stepson was looking at porn!"

Can you give me a shortened version of the text?
<bot>: I'll have an emotional breakdown if I don't find out how to handle fake AskReddits, what do I do to cope?