<human>: OK, so this was not actually today, but back when many ketchup bottles were transitioned from glass bottles to plastic bottles with a squirt cap. Not the diner kind, but the one that closes up again after you squirted some of the ketchup out, presumably to form a seal to prevent contamination or something. So, I'd say, this took place sometime around 2000. 

So, I was opening this new bottle and had just removed the little plastic foil under the cap, screwing the cap on again. I remember distinctly that it was one of the hotter variants of Heinz. I was intrigued by the new cap and, pressing the bottle slightly while it was sitting on the table, I hovered over it to see how a little ketchup gets squeezed out. I didn't even lower my head much, I was hovering at maybe 30 cms from bottle to face, looking down.

Turns out, you have to put a little energy in to open up the "valve",  meaning the experience was a lot more "binary" than I expected. Nothing was happening, so I squeezed a bit harder.

This is when I basically got hit in the eye by quite the stream of hot ketchup.

And it burned. How it burned. The pain.

Can you give me the gist of the text in a nutshell?
<bot>: my hot ketchup bottle ejaculated hot ketchup into my eye because I somehow felt like squeezing the bottle while looking straight at the nozzle from what I assumed was a safe distance.