<human>: Can you give me a shortened version of the text?

A couple days ago I was lathering up my hands with a fancy, acne-treating, $15 bar of clinique soap  to wash my face after a hard day and the damn thing slipped out of my butter fingers and nothing-but-netted into the fucking toilet bowl. My roommate, a chemist, and me, a chemical engineer, decided with our best judgement to just leave it there, because "hey, it''ll it dissolve in like a couple hours or something." Now, 3 days later the toilet will barely flush (fills up and drains at snails-pace) because the pipes are still blocked with a fully sized *$15 bar of soap*. 

You know what that means, no poops in this household. 
Only poops at school. 

Sensing this is beyond our level of expertise, we headed to home depot and try to decide on a dissolving agent based on our knowledge of chemistry. A man who worked there informed us that we should't put draino down our toilet and just told us to pull it out with our hands. So we get home and say "I've never fisted a toilet before" and try to grab it, but once again, this slippery little bastard has evaded us and it has journeyed into the depths of our pipes. Now dumping hot water down the toilet and plunging it through the pipes to try and get this thing unstuck.
<bot>: my friend came over and needed to use the bathroom, and i had to tell them "you can't poop".