<human>: Can you give me the gist of the text in a nutshell?

So this happened this morning, and no, I wasn't hungover since I have quite a bad cold and didn't drink on new years eve.

Anyways, so I have a really bad cold, and when I do, I produce a lot of saliva, and by a lot I mean A LOT, and this comes down to that I either have to spit it out in a cup when I'm trying to sleep or I swallow it which means I get really gassy.

So I wake up this morning, having slept somewhere between 2-4 hours, and feel that I need to take a shit. I get on the toilet and start the deed. So I sit there and figure I'd blow my nose at the same time, so I did some werid as double push, I blow my nose at the same time that I push my shit out, with my shirt off ofcourse for extra power, I look down at my paper and see that it's almost 100% blood, so I feel up my nose and realize I got nosebleed out of both nostrils. Now both my hands are covered in blood, the floor is covered in blood, my shirt that was on the floor is covered in blood.

Fuck, I have too wipe too take care of this, but as I wipe with my blood covered hands I realize my ass is now also covered in blood and just as I'm almost done wiping I feel my stomach turning and I'm not many seconds from vomiting. So i stand up and lean over the toilet, blood still pooring from my nose, and I vomit out a mixture of noodles and beef. Problem is only half of the vomit went into the bowl, which means that I now have blood on my clothes, the floor, the toilet seat, my hands and on my ass and I got vomit on my shirt, on the toilet seat and on the floor. 

Luckily I have a small bathroom which is all tiled which means it's pretty much waterproof. So I take the showerhead and after 30 minutes off sobbing and cleaning both me and the bathroom are now clean.
<bot>: Pushed my shit so hard I contracted double nosebleed combined with a bad stomach resulting in a vomit and blood covered bathroom.