<human>: I am horrifically depressed, and have struggled with depression and anxiety since early childhood.  I've seen a number of different therapists, some of helped me find happiness temporarily, but I always revert back to depression.  I've tried an anti-depressant but found that I have such awful anxiety about taking anti-depressants that I have extremely severe panic attacks and death wishes every time I swallow a pill, so I end up stopping.  I've tried the usual exercise, healthy eating, etc.  Exercise cheers me up for about an hour tops, and then it goes back to normal. I've tried some more natural stuff like St. John's Wort, too, but that had no effect.  

My relationships are...well..."special". I warn guys from early on that I suffer from severe depression and that while things seem great during the honeymoon period, it's going to change and it's going to be really, really fucking challenging.  Most guys are not dissuaded, I think it's out of some desire to fix me.  

So, we date for a few months, things are good at first, and then inevitably I start letting the ugly side show.  Some guys just run at this point, but most stick around and tell me they're never giving up on me - even though I tell them it's only going to get progressively worse.  I get sadder and sadder and that results in incredibly frustrating behaviour (they can barely say anything to me without me becoming upset for some reason).  This can go on for up to a year before they give up.  If they don't give up, I end up dumping them and saying that I don't like who I've become and that I don't want to hurt them anymore.  By that point, they don't protest.  

What the fuck is my problem? 

Is it really true that you can never be happy with someone else until you're happy alone?  Because I've never been happy alone...or happy with anyone else, for that matter...but I really wish I could be.

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<bot>: Severely depressed woman of 22 pushes away all her boyfriends. Seems impossible to cure the depression - is love still possible?