<human>: So today I was chilling with my best friend (let's call him Tony), and we decided to grab some poke for lunch — for those of you who don't know what that is, it's literally the components of sushi except in a bowl. I got a large bowl but didn't finish it. Anyway, I got a to-go bag and a small container of soy sauce and wasabi and we headed over to the nearby mall for some back-to-school shopping. After we parked, I left the bag of food on the passenger seat of Tony's car. Fast forward an hour or so, I found an amazing pair of chino shorts and proceeded to purchase it. Little important detail here: I live in a city where plastic bags are banned for grocery/convenience/retail stores, so these stores charge us for paper bags; because I only bought one item, I didn't think getting a bag was necessary.

We left the shopping center soon after because Tony had to go home. The actual fuck up happens while he is driving me to my house: When we get in the car, I saw the to-go bag on my seat, so I picked it up. Now, of all the places I could've put the damn bag, I being a complete dumbass decided to hold it on my lap, right above my new pair of chino shorts. So Tony is speeding along the freeway to drop me off because he is in a huge rush to get home, and halfway through the ride I notice a very strong smell in the car. To my unpleasant surprise, the container of soy sauce/wasabi had actually leaked and spilled out the to-go bag, right onto the crotch area of my new shorts… In a moment of desperation, I grabbed my shorts and attempted to suck off the sticky substance, to no avail. The shorts are now stained with a huge blob of pungent condiments (condom-ments?), thirty bucks has been thrown out the window, and I am currently sitting here at home hoping the washing machine will be my savior. ):

Give me the gist of the text in a nutshell
<bot>: — ate raw fish, bought new shorts, in car on the way home via best friend express, fucking to-go bag is useless, tried to get wasabi soy sauce off the crotch through means of oral.