<human>: Provide a brief overview of the text.

We were only dating for 5 months but I was still very crushed when he ended it really abruptly. I have literally thought about him constantly every single day for a month of no contact.

Well, today I finally thought I would just text him something simple. What do I have to lose? We aren't talking now. So if he doesn't respond, it's still the same place as before.

I stared at the text I was going to send for several minutes before something stopped me. I originally thought it was fear of rejection - what if he doesn't even acknowledge me? But then it hit me. I think I might actually be equally as scared that he WILL respond. Why? Because best scenario, he'll want to talk and work things out. And unless he's done some huge, earth-shattering amount of personal development in a month I'll be back to the stresses of our relationship again.

It would be so good to see him, don't get me wrong. I miss him intensely all the time. I miss the good parts of him. His sense of humour especially. But when I actually picture going back, I feel exhausted. I'd be back to an emotionally unavailable partner who leaves you feeling like after months of trying you're no closer to them then when you started. Most importantly, I'd be back to a boyfriend who dumped me suddenly and with no real communication. Bottom line. I really thought I had wanted to work it out and that had seemed like a real possibility as it hadn't been some huge hostile ending. 

Now that I realize what I'd be getting back to, I'm feeling weirdly uncertain. I think this has helped me realize how much anxiety I had in the relationship. He is guarded, had his defenses up from day one - and it's just too hard to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't let you in. 

I guess I just wanted to write this out, and maybe it can shed some light for anyone struggling to think about the REALITY of getting back what was likely on some level a dysfunctional relationship. It's been a hard month. I still struggle. I still will debate the text. But for now, something is really holding me back and telling me not to.
<bot>: thought about caving and texting my ex, realized I possibly might not even want them back which is baffling. I both intensely miss someone and want to get away from them?