<human>: Could you distill the essence of the text into 1-3 sentences?

This blows. It was really yesterday but whatever.
So it began with me going to my girlfriends house, her mother drove us out to dinner where i ordered the boggest mistake. Im slightly lactose intolerant. (Slightly because it takes alot of dairy to affect me.) Mac and Cheese was rhe worst thing I could have said, so i aye it anyways, paid for the bill and we left. We went back to her house and played a couple games of mario kart before she paised it and got on top of me, mind you were 14 so no sexy times occured (so did blueballs and i cry about it because it still hirts, someone help with cure pls., other than me motorboating her and we made out. So continuing the story we finally leave to meet my mom halfway so she can pick me up, heres where the fuckup occurs. Halfway through the ride while we were cuddling, I fart, I fart a mighty fart, I pushed to hard and shit myself. I clench my asscheeks to stop but to no avail, it keeps coming. Holy shit, pun intended, it didnt smell until the last 5 minutes of the ride thank god, but while it did smell it was really bad, a concoction of shrimp, bad B.O and nachos. It was bad, nobody said anything and i was releived when i finally got into my car. We stopped at an alehouse so i could clean myself up. Reddit, poop before you go to your girl's house, save yourself.
<bot>: I shit myself in my girlfriend's dad's car Nd go home with blueballs and shit between my asscheeks.