<human>: Full disclosure: this FU happened yesterday.
I just got my license two weeks ago despite the fact that I'm 21 and I now have no idea why I waited so long since being able to drive is usually awesome. My godmother gave me her fiancé's old car, a well-preserved 2004 Saturn L300. 
So, I drove to the nearby grocery store to get some last-minute dinner ingredients and neatly pulled into my small parking space. So when I leave I'm pulling out of the space and hit this yellow metal post with my front bumper. I tried cranking the wheel to the right and pulling forward, stuck. Tried backing out more, stuck. Tried backing out more plus more gas and I hear a really bad sound and see a woman pulling into the lot give me a look of horror and pity. I still can't really see what's going on so I decide to drive about 15 feet and pull over. 
At this point I hear a really loud grinding/scraping and see something in my peripheral vision. I pull over, put on my hazards and park and then get out of my car to see I've ripped off my entire front bumper and then run over it, getting it stuck in one of my rear tires! Some nice strangers helped me and then I drove another block, parked and cried in my car like a loser.

Can you give me a shortened version of the text?
<bot>: TIFU by ripping off my front bumper after only having a car and a license for 2 weeks and then proceeded to bawl my eyes out like a loser.