<human>: I've always had issues with faithfulness in the majority of my relationships (maybe because my parents had a shit marriage filled with affairs on both sides that i would get caught in the middle of because i was the oldest, but thats a thought). My SO and I have spent almost 4 years together on/off, we have 2 kids now. I've noticed that my urge to cheat (either emotionally or physically) usually happens after I've been mistreated (no abuse, just like raised voices and rude comments about whatever he gets mad about) I've always abided by the if there's nothing nice to say not to say anything at all. 

So when those flares up occur I just refrain from reacting, I let him apologize and continue on trying to make it work... but I feel that urge to go and find happiness for a second with someone else only to realize it's not right or what I truly want and end up back with SO and our dynamic. I want to change, I want to stop looking for happiness else where, I want to appreciate my SO again instead of comparing him to past relations or wishing I'd been dealt a different hand with a different person (we have 2 special needs children and that adds a stress on me personally) 

My SO does know about the past discrepancies, I've always been honest after the fact and really only when questioned. I know I have a problem and I really need an outsiders push to help me figure how to better myself. I know infidelity is a big no-no, but it's my crutch and I don't know how to let go. I know it's a conscious choice that's made when going to someone else for a physical/emotional need but I just can't un-jusitfy my way of thinking when my SO is rude, loses his patience, or is just plain lazy around the house (he works less than 30 hours a week, I stay at home and pick up shifts here and there) while I'm caring for our kids and taking care of the day to day therapies/cleaning/house things etc.

Can you provide a brief overview of the text?
<bot>: When I'm dealt a crap hand from my SO, I want another dealer but I know it's wrong and I want to stop choosing unfaithfulness, please give me the rock bottom advice.