<human>: 3 years ago, I was 26 and noticed a really attractive man at my workplace. We never talked. Randomly saw him at a bar one night. We started chatting. He did not wear a wedding band. He was 51. We made out. He told me he was going through a divorce. Has 2 adult children (one is special needs which kept the marriage "together"). He WAS "going through a divorce" but they put that on hold because she didn't have a job .. blah blah etc.

He and his wife had not had a sexual relationship in 5+ years, both knew each other saw people on the DL, but stayed together for the special needs adult. I was his first "affair" - as opposed to the flings. The first year was exciting and great. Passionate, love filled, ideas of grandeur. He loved/loves me, but we ended up fighting ALL THE TIME. He couldn't go out in public with me or be a REAL partner while he was still married. I wanted more attention - this drove him further away. Plus - we ended up in the same department which made things infinitely harder. We would both lose our jobs if anyone found out. 

Basically - we broke up and made up a hundred times in the past 2 years (only year 1 was "good"). This last year - and working with him has been awful. We went No Contact about a month ago - and it's killing me. It feels like it gets worse as the days go on. What happened to "time heals"?!?!

I'm okay if I can manage to avoid him throughout the day. But as soon as I hear him laugh or LOOK happy - I want to crawl in a hole and cry. I keep my shit together, but honestly - this is really starting to wear on me. I try to hum songs or talk to myself when he's around so I can't hear him (unfortunately headphones aren't an option).

Can you condense the text into three sentences or less?
<bot>: I had a highly secretive affair with a coworker - NO ONE knows. Being around him and hearing him joke around or laugh makes me literally tear up and almost cry. How do I ignore/get past this?