<human>: Could you distill the essence of the text into 1-3 sentences?

I've been with my boyfriend for about a year now. We started dating last October. In April, I realized this was not a forever relationship. I realized I felt more emotionally connected with my platonic friends than I do with my boyfriend. 

I've done this crazy stuff, that makes me feel like I do not know myself, where I break up with him for a day, and am back together with him the next, about 5 times since June. If I saw any of my friends do this shit, I'd think they were insane.

I have a hard time letting go because I care for him dearly, and I get very attached. He is a really isolated person. He does not have many close friends. He doesn't let people in. 

He will, without a doubt, go ghost on me, and I will never see him again once we break up. Which is very hard for me to deal with. I also have nightmares about once per week that he is cheating on me. They are so emotionally horrifying and upsetting that I wonder wtf I'm even thinking breaking up with him if I have these extreme fears and nightmares and attachment while dreaming.

Has anyone else ever been paralyzed when it comes to pulling the trigger on a break up? Has anyone ever been in my boyfriend's position? What explains my fucking nightmares?! Why is this taking me so long when I've never had this problem before? I really need to know how to move on and let go. 

I know one obvious reply to my question is "Just do it". But some greater reasoning would be deeply appreciated.
<bot>: Addicted to a relationship I know is wrong for me. Know I need to break up every day. Yet have nightmares of him leaving or cheating on me.