<human>: Can you provide a brief rundown of the text in within 3 sentences?

This thing is a human femur. It's long and rigid and wide enough that it's just sitting there, everytime I try to flush the toilet just gets angry and fills almost to the point of releasing poorly made gravy colored nastyness all over my bathroom floor. I can't plunge because it would just anger the stool and mash it further into the hole. I'm genuinely asking for help, it's been like three days and it's so nasty. I figures I would say fuck it and plunge it today and on top of the redwood in my toilet there was a fucking dead centipede who obviously crawled on it to try to drink some water then instantly died from the bacterial big bang that is going on in there so I just closed the lid and looked up realtors. Help!!!
<bot>: there is a shit the size of an antique canoe in my toilet that is becoming self aware and I need to know how to get rid of it.