<human>: Can you give me the gist of the text in a nutshell?

It's been about 3 ½ years since my mom has passed away. She was my best of best friends and my greatest ally as a transman. Then I found her dead from either SADS or cardiac arrest, foaming at the mouth. Not the way I wanted to see my mother. Especially for the last time.

If anything, it has started hurting more than gradually getting better and getting easier. I have had nightmares probably 75% of the nights I've slept since she has passed. 
Anything from us getting along great and then suddenly realizing something isn't right and that she's dead, then looking over at her and she's rotting right in front of me, to her being incredibly mean to me and not loving me anymore and she has a new family now and then recently I've had dreams about her being a heroin addict and her attacking me with a gun because I found her needles. Like 3 nights in a row.

What the hell? I don't know why. And it's become so frequent and messed up that I just seriously cry over that because all of the good memories are being replaced with really shitty fake memories. Instead of smiling because of a funny memory I had, I frown because I caught myself hating her for doing heroin when she never did. 

If you look at my post history, yes, I have recently quit smoking and apparently that can cause weird/bad dreams. But the dreams have not changed at all since then and now.

I'd get a therapist if I could. But I have no transportation and there are only two therapists in this town and I've gone to both in the past and they were completely useless. 

I really think I'm slowly going crazy. I'm not just saying that as a figure of speech. Like, I honestly really think I might be going insane over this. How can it be 3+ years and still hurt so bad? Is that WEIRD?
<bot>: My mom died 3+ yrs ago and I'm having nightmares everynight, still, and probably clinically depressed but have no access to help.