<human>: Give me the gist of the text in a nutshell

This really happened to me earlier today, and I'm still feeling the repercussions...

The other day, my wife went out with a girlfriend and did a "girls day" routine - makeover, fancy french nails, new outfit, etc., and she's been feeling a little extra good about herself since. This morning we let our young kid veg out on the couch with the iPad so we could have a little NSFW grownup time to ourselves (fellow parents know how rare / precious these occasions are).

Things progressed smoothly, wife landed the eagle a couple times, and all was well. I'm pounding away and just about to go over the falls myself, and wife reaches down to give herself a quick tour of the petting zoo, but she didn't realize how sensitive she still was after her couple trips around the world. 

Her fingers brushed her own DEFCON ONE button, which caused her hips to shoot upwards, which caused my one-eyed wrinkle-necked trouser trout to pop out and into the open mid-thrust, and she basically impaled my dick on one of those shiny-new french press-on nails, **right in the dick-hole.** 

I screamed in shock and agony, my throbbing piston of mansteak retreated inward faster than a French army battalion seeing a Wenierschnitzel, and instead of bellowing with Viking pleasure as I delivered the final package, I went fetal on the floor and just whimpered for a while.

It's been ~18 hours now and the business-end of my junk is still redder than communist lobster, I'm still horny as fuck, and I am intentionally avoiding any and all arousing material because getting a boner now feels like being stung by bees that shoot bees out of their asses.
<bot>: Dick got impaled by a press-on nail at high speed, OP is now moving to a remote monastery in the Himalayas