<human>: Honestly hated isn't even the right word, it scared me. I don't know why but I'm okay with ALL other aspects of sex before the actual penetration occurs. I give great oral, I'm a very sexual person, but as soon as we start to have the actual sex, I completely shut down. I'm not sure why but I get really panicky and the last time we had sex after it was over I went to the bathroom and cried. I'm away at school in a different state so whenever he visits I find a way to distract him and in the 3 months before I left I kinda just didn't let him have sex with me. I go back for thanksgiving break soon and I really want to have sex with him but I'm afraid that I'll feel the same way. It's honestly always been like this, in other relationships I just never enjoy the sex and because of my aversion to it it always wrecks the relationships. Also, this comes with an intense fear of pregnancy that my mother gave me when I was younger. She always told me that I'd get pregnant if I EVER had sex and she hasn't allowed me to go on birth control and bad things would happen if she found out that I did.

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<bot>: Totally afraid of having sex and when I do I don't enjoy it. I want to have sex with him over thanksgiving break but I'm afraid I'll ruin it.