<human>: Once upon a time I was in love with someone in my group of friends. Obsessive, crazy, intense love. It was the sweetest thing I have ever felt in my life. He loved me too but we both acted like we were "too cool" for it all. We spent years sneaking off together.... playing as if we were little children, talking for hours, expressing our love with sighs and touches and tone of voice. We expressed it in other ways too (except he was a virgin and I wasn't.) I was a year older, the one in control of the relationship in his eyes but truthfully I was a slave to my love for him. But anytime he would hint he wanted to get serious I would pull away. I would abandon my group of friends for a week and run off with some older guy and party or whatever until I got sick of it. I was so scared of my love I don't know why he never got angry with me or abandoned his cause to get me...........

Anyways moving on. High school ended, I started drinking more made a mess of my life, I married an asshole I only loved like a brother bc I knew he needed me to take care of him and couldn't leave me. Very co-dependent. We just got divorced 8 years later....

Now I have another guy I've known a while as a friend professing he loves me and wants to marry me. I haven't slept with him yet but I want to so badly. I have felt deeply connected with him since we met. The problem is I am doing everything I can to push him away. I am being hot/cold...ignoring him...saying i only want him for sex......I feel so strongly for him that I am terrified of becoming intimate with him. My heart is telling me to trust him run away with him live a beautiful life. But my brain is telling me he'll get tired of you, he'll cheat on you, he'll stop loving you........I don't want to lose him the way I lost my first love I can't. 

What do I do? And honestly what the fuck is wrong with me?

Can you summarize the given text in a few sentences?
<bot>: don't want to ruin the second love of my life by being a cold hearted bitch again. how do you trust someone to love you forever?