<human>: Give me a shortened version of the text

Ok so this was a week ago, but the consequences bit me in the ass today. My mom is very religious, like " the holy ghost sends me messages" religious. She was talking to herself while washing dishes. "Mom, who are you talking to?" She shoots me daggers and says "I'm talking to Jesus" ok mom. Jokingly I ask her "So does he answer back?" Again with the daggers, "Yes he does, we talk all the time." Yeah ok mom. Me and my sister start laughing our asses off. "Mom, are you crazy?" I should not have said that. "No I'm not crazy! Jesus is my saviour, and hopefully he'll come to you and save you too. One day he'll come to you in a dream and tell you that he's the god that talks to me." I love to fuck with my mother's head all the time because it's hilarious. "Yeah ok, the only one who ever talks to me is Satan." I really regret saying that now. For some reason I rolled with it. "WHAT?!" "Yeah, Satan is my best friend. He visits me in my dreams." I laughed maniacally and walked away. I thought that would be enough to notify her that I was joking. Nope. Next thing I know she's calling her mother and asking what to do. The next few days were weird. I started noticing things in my room were being moved around. My skull necklace was missing, and so were some of my Darren Shan books. Instead there was a "teen" bible and a children's book called "Jesus loves me". I have no idea where my books went, I'm guessing she threw them away. Today I came home from class and fell right asleep. I wake up to holy oil (she doesn't believe in holy water. Holy oil is just EVOO) on my forehead and her praying over me. I told her to get off of me, but she just said "shh, I'm healing you" I'm guessing she was referring to the fact that I'm really depressed because of college and my SAD. Apparently mood disorders are signs of demonic influence. Now I bet she's telling everyone at church, and they'll be bribing me to go with cupcakes.
<bot>: my mom tried to get Satan to stop being my bff by rubbing oil on my head and chanting over my body as I slept.