<human>: I'll start, though I bet stories will emerge that are far, far better (worse?).

It was the wee hours of the morning. Wife and I were asleep, the whole house was absolutely still, when suddenly I woke up to horrible, hysterical screaming next to me. She kept on screaming—shrieking and sobbing incoherently—while I heaved around trying to turn the lamp on to see what the hell was happening.

The adrenaline surge was in full swing by the time I managed to turn on the light. There was some commotion by my wife's head. The cat was somehow involved. Turns out he had tried to launch/claw his way from the floor onto the bed, but instead of gaining purchase on the bedding with his claws like a merely mildly psychotic cat would do, he had gained purchase on my wife's *face*.

Her cheek, to be precise; right by her mouth. Being perhaps not the brightest cat in the world, like a slightly-retarded psycho kitty boss, he chose to forge ahead and pull with all his might. The claw went through her cheek and out the other side into her mouth, and STILL the cat continued to struggle mightily to get into bed, screaming human female or no.

While disentangling cat from wife, I remember being glad kitty claws don't have barbs (I've witnessed more than one fishhook-related mishap). I had to comfort a hysterical mess for a solid hour afterwards.

Give me a shortened version of the text
<bot>: Cat hooked a claw through my wife's lip while she slept, in an attempt to climb into bed. Wife freaked out. I freaked out.