<human>: Can you condense the text into three sentences or less?

So it all started last Wednesday, I got a call from my uncle while I am at work. He says the company he co-owns needs temp help for 2 months paying a ton of money. Since he knows I'm leaving in Oct for new Zealand for 3 months he thought I could use the money.
The only thing he says is I need to pass the drug test which was within 3 days. I smoke a lot of pot, so my urine is filled with THC. So i knew that was out of the question then I called my best friend who I've known since I was 7 and he only smokes once a year. So i get him to piss into a cleaned out Gatorade bottle and then we get really high and laugh about it. So the next day arrives and I fill this condom with his piss and tie it then use my belt buckle to hook it on the inside on my pants along the side of my junk(one of the weirdest things I've ever felt). And took a little screw bit with me to poke a hole. 
Fast forward the nurse or whatever they are calls me back and says empty pockets and hands me the cup to piss in. Well I get in the bathroom all by myself and pull this condom out then I pull the screw out. Problem one, things I have to hold; condom, cup, screw. 3 things two hands. So I squeeze the condom under my chin and chest. Put cup underneath and screw in hand we're good to go. Well, it wouldn't poke a hole, the rubber was too rubbery. So I ended up scratching at it and tearing it. It popped like a water balloon onto my shirt, in the cup, on the floor, on the toilet seat. My life flashed before my eyes before I could even react. I walk out like yeaaaa, I fucked up. It would have been fine and it could have been all clear if I got the temperature up. So I had to piss again with my own piss, or leave. I said fuck this joint I have to save face. 

Apparently I might still have the job. They said the drug test company never called and said there was a problem, so I got that going for me.
<bot>: got friends piss all over my shirt during drug test, walked out in shame and misery. Still got the job though, I think....