<human>: Back in September I took in a stray kitten. She's now five months old, and I figured it was time to get her vaccinated. Since she possesses claws of death, I figured I'd give 'em a trim before looking like a negligent asshole in front of my local vet.

Soooo, I picked up the cat and plunked her on the kitchen table, then started giving her heavy pets to calm her.  She mrowed weirdly in response, and I ignored her, picked up a paw, and watched her squirm away before I could get the trimmer near her claws.

From the far end of the table she mrowed again and started moving around in a goofy half-crouch, like she couldn't stand up properly. Weirded out, I picked her up, sat her back down, and hoped she'd shake it off. Instead, more weirdly pained mrowing and crouch-walking. She looked, for all the world, like I'd fucked up her legs.

So, panic time. I've injured my little cat bud, who's walking around like she's either hurt or constipated. I see something shiny on her rear end, and thinking she's trying to shit out some plastic, I grab my Mag-Lite and take a look. The shiny thing disappears as she skitters away, still walking fucked-uppedly.

I don't know what the fuck is wrong, never having had a cat before. Panic escalates, I've hurt my cat, so I call the vet.

Me: 'Uh, hi, this is Bobby_Orr's_Knees.  I have an appointment tomorrow to get my cat vaccinated, but she's acting weird so I was hoping to get her looked at today.'

Receptionist: 'What's she doing?'

Me: 'Well, I was trying to trim her claws, and now she's walking around with her butt in the air and mrowing a lot.'

Receptionist: 'She's in heat.' 

The shiny liquid coming out of her not-butt suddenly makes sense. 

Me: 'Uh. Oh. Is there anything I need to, uh, know?'

Give me the gist of the text in a nutshell
<bot>: tried to trim my cat's nails and turned her on instead. Wound up sounding like a clueless dad while talking to the vet's office, and made an appointment to get her vaccinated AND spayed.