<human>: Can you provide a brief rundown of the text in within 3 sentences?

Mine was a week ago or so. I went into the bathroom with a newspaper and sat down to read the Times(Yes, I read the New York Times). Suddenly from nowhere my lower gut began to wrench and I was in a fit of pain. I began to void my bowels but my shit was too big and got stuck. I sat there grunting and straining, red-faced and sweaty, attempting to push it out. After what seemed like forever, I was able to give it one last try and it plopped out. I stood up and my legs felt like jelly. I tried to walk to the toilet paper by the sink(there is no roll holder thing by my toilet) and my legs gave way under me causing me to fall painfully and smash into the side of the bathtub nearby. I couldn't walk! I lay on the floor in the bathroom, half naked, and in terrible pain. Two thoughts crossed my mind. The first being how I didn't want to die in a bathroom from taking a crippling shit. The second reminding me of that LifeAlert commercial where the old lady is like, "I'VE FALLEN AND CAN'T GET UP!". I managed to grab the towel rack and slowly pull myself up with the aid of the sink. Just as I was fully standing, the towel rack fell from its place on the wall and smacked into me, painfully bruising my hip and upper thigh. I carefully walked over to the toilet paper, wiped my ass, and limped out of the bathroom.
<bot>: I took a shit so big that it crippled me temporarily and caused me to be injured from an attempt to wipe my ass.