<human>: Give me a shortened version of the text

So, my mom and I have just driven 3 hours to celebrate Christmas with our family, as we do every year.
I am usually obsessed with Christmas, and it's very special for my mom too, since my dad both had his birthday and died in December. So she gets pretty emotional sometimes.

Since last year however, I've aqquired a really severe depression, and upon getting here, and hiding from my family during two panic attacks, I'm realising that this is just too much for me.

I talked with her about it, and she said we should just spend Christmas together us two..
That won't work for me.
I know it won't work for me. And I know that when it doesn't work, she'll break down.

All I want to do is take the train home, maybe spend the eve with my bd who's also alone, but she doesn't get that.

How do I explain all this to her, without making her too sad?
(btw I'm 16, but the whole train and home alone thing isn't the issue, and she trusts me a great deal to be alone)
<bot>: my mom is emotional around christmas, but my severe depression makes this whole ordeal hard for me. How do I explain that I want to be alone, without hurting her?