<human>: Can you give me a shortened version of the text?

Ok so its a Saturday night just got off work about to meet up with my bros and hit the bars. A good friend of ours just got out of boot camp so he came into town and I love hanging out with him (lets call him jhon) me and jhon shit talk each other all the time as do all of our other friends. So drunk me and jhon shit talking all night after not seeing each other  for at least 5 months is going to be awesome just like the good ole days. So I'm all excited just worked 12am-10pm im tired but who gives a shit im young. In my excitement to change and meet up with my boys I place my wallet as well as a few other things on my roof keys , phone, etc. I finish changing grab everything and head over. I get to the house were meeting up at and I realized I hadn't eaten yet and I need food before I drink. So me and my other friend "mark" go get some pizza. Upon getting ready to pay for the pizza I reach for my wallet and realize its not there. I search my car not there ether then it hit me. I didn't grab my wallet from off the roof of my car! So I spent the next hour looking all up and down the road and parking lot looking for my wallet but to no avail. My wallet had every thing in it from my debit card to my SSC. So after all that searching I have to go home cause I have barely any gas and no ID to get into the bars. But its no over yet, paranoid that all my hard earned money is going to vanish I try to log in to my account online only to find out its down for maintenance. So here I am typing up my TIFU hoping and prying that my money isn't gone.
<bot>: Placed wallet on top of car to change so I could go to the bars, drove off with wallet still on roof.