<human>: Give me a shortened version of the text

Alright..... So. I like to smoke. Alot. Especially in stressful situations. This afternoon I had a test in one of my classes, so I sit down, and cram my answers onto this piece of paper and after about 10 minutes I need a fucking cigarette this small engine is greasy shit alright boys? It's tough shit.. So a friend and I decided it would be a fantastic idea to sneak out of class, outside into the -20 Celsius snowy fanfucktastic son of a bitch weather, so we did. We get outside, spark our darts and and we're just freezing our cocks off. Like literally dudes. The weather here is so fucking cold she almost froze my johnson right off of me. Alright... So. We're sitting there shivering and talking, and then we both look up and theres this big burly mother fucker with safety glasses on, smiling at us. At first we were both like what the fuck but we knew it was a teacher. He told us that he would let us go, and that if he ever caught us again he would tell the principle. So we went back to class and enjoyed the next 10 minutes or so. So we're sitting there doing nothing of course, and the principle walks into the classroom.
By this time, my pants are soiled boys. I've got no fucking respect for that burly mother fucker, but he told the principle. Oh yes he did.. So we get to the office with the principle, he tells me I'm suspended... Now boys. Hold your shit in for another couple seconds because she's about to get fuckin' wild. 
     I get home, and my mom tells me that she had received a phone call from my boss earlier, and that I was to return his call. Keeping in mind, she doesn't know about the situation yet, so right away I called my boss, and he told me that my work is no longer needed, and that tomorrow will be my last day.
I ended up having to explain to my mom, that I was not only fired, or whatever the fuck I should call it, and I was suspended from school. I am officially fucked.
<bot>: Wrote a test in class, had a smoke on school property, burly fuck of a teacher caught me, and I got suspended, and I even got fired in the same day.. FML.