<human>: Condense the text into a few key points

There is probably a more appropriate subreddit for this question; however, I desired the opinion of the masses. I was told that I will be getting a laptop for my birthday. I'm not going to pretend I know what I'm doing when it comes to computer so I ask you, the technology savvy redditor, what would be the most efficient laptop to purchase. I'll be using it for the basic things a student would use a laptop for, facebook, videogames, porn, and reddit. With maybe a little it of school work here and there. Whats the best one I can get, with about $700 maximum. The laptop need to be ordered today, so I will take this post down when I return from Marching Band rehearsal in about 3 hours. Thank you for all the assistance.
<bot>: Gunna buy laptop (facebook, reddit, videogames, porn, schoolwork), what the best I can get for as little as possible, $700 max.