<human>: Can you summarize the given text in a few sentences?

TIFU. Well I did, but it was as a teenager 8 or so years ago. 

There was a similar post to this which caught my eye and reminded me of my own sticky story. 

I used to do what everyone does; bang one out. Often. Before going to bed, I would kneel in front of by 14" Bush TV, bash the bishop then go to sleep, leaving my splaff to soak into the carpet and 'disappear'. Well, all was well and good for like 12 months until the carpet wasn't having it anymore. I think the term is saturated. I started walking up in the mornings and there still being a visible outline of my gloop on the carpet. This makes me realise that wow I've saturated a fugging axminster carpet, that's some pretty chunky fabric, I should probably find an alterative store for my seed. 

'Lo and behold a few months pass and the 'area' on the cream carpet was becoming darker, stiffer. My mum notices this, being a massive clean freak, and accuses me of spilling beer with friends and doing a shitty job of cleaning it up. Beer? Don't know where she got that idea from. I asked. I shouldn't have. "Well it smells yeasty". Gag. She then gets on her hands and knees with a scrubbing brush and hot water and begins scrubbing away in front of me. She's sniffing it,  she's sniffing her fingers trying to establish what... what...bloody vintage it is?? Mum it's about a years worth of splooge. I try my best to make her stop and let me take over but she's having none of it. Her nose is pretty much in it. It's like a cardboard bukkake on my maker. 

I should stop, the memories are making me cringe. Anyway that was about 8 years ago and we still have the same carpet.
<bot>: Used the same 1m² of carpet as a cumcatcher for a year. My mum liquidises it and inhales.