<human>: Give me the gist of the text in a nutshell

This just happened about an hour ago.

I was sitting down at the computer and opened a Fun Dip when my girlfriend started playing with a new soccer ball we got at the mall tonight. Being competitive I decided to join in and make a game of it. We turned some laundry baskets into our goals. 

It was all fine and dandy until I scored and decided to celebrate by waving my arms over my head and subsequently spilling a nearly full Fun Dip all over myself and our wood floor. 

The sugar became embedded in the cracks in the floor. I tried to wipe it up but couldn't, so I went to get the vacuum. Apparently some big centipede-looking thing came out of nowhere and decided to make a feast out of my sugary gift. 

As I was walking away my girlfriend saw the bug and screamed; which then scared our cat into running full-force toward my back and clawing it. This scared the living heck out of me and made me scream like a little girl (I'm a 20-something guy) until I ran smack into the wall, falling backward with the cat still attached and making it unleash an extremely loud yelping noise. Somehow it survived unscathed. 

We thought it was all over until a minute or two later when a neighbor came running over with 911 dialed on their phone – thinking we were murdering a child by ramming it into the wall. Apparently half the neighborhood heard my girly-scream.
<bot>: Played soccer inside the house with my girlfriend – spilled Fun Dip - took away one of the cat's nine-lives - and nearly got the cops called on us for suspected murder.