<human>: Can you condense the text into a few key points?

I work 3rd shift at a gas station. In order to be "more energy efficient" (to save money cause they're cheap) our corporate office controls the thermostat. As a result it gets incredibly hot during all the sweeping/mopping I have to do so my boss said I can wear shorts as long as their nice and fit the dress code (khaki). 

So about 45 minutes ago(around 2-2:30 est) I was going through my nightly chores and I squatted down to get fountain pop straws from under the cupboard when I hear a tear.  I look down and my shorts have this huge rip from the crotch to about halfway down the inside of the thigh.

I have no idea what the fuck to do at this point so I try stapling the tear. doesn't work.  So I start looking around trying to find something to cover the hole when I spot some duct tape. I go to the bathroom and drop my shorts and tape both the inside and outside of the tear to try and get it to hold. 

I pull my shorts back up and I immediately feel the tape catch.  now my legs are pretty hairy so I know it's gonna hurt. However my shorts are all the way up so i figure I can wait till my shifts over and deal with it in the car.  I go back to work. So I'm sweeping and shit and I bend over to roll up a floor mat and BAM! The tape I used for the inside of my shorts was longer than i thought and came off. It snaked its way inside the convince hole of my boxers and attached itself to my pubes. I had no choice... I stood up straight and shouted obscenities as the tape ripped out my Johnson's curlies.
<bot>: ripped my shorts. Fixed it with duct tape. Got an unexpected Duct Tape waxing.  Am now in pain.