<human>: First and foremost, I know he loves me. 

With that being said, growing up was not idle. I was doing my own laundry, making my own breakfast/lunch/dinner by fifth grade. He didn't ask about my grades, test scores or how I got to and from school everyday. I was never greeted w/ morning pleasantries (we knew to avoid him), no hugging, no "I love you". 

When him and my mother got divorced he dove right into pussy and drugs/alcohol. My dad lacks the knowledge of how to handle kids. He doesn't know how to be affectionate. The only time he would acknowledge us was if we fucked up. He is very critical and for the most part I have learned that's just how he shows love. While this is the majority there are still times when he surprises me and acts like a father should. 

I am currently in a 12 Step program and realize that my resentment for him choosing women over me still hurts me deep. I want to forgive him. I want for that awkward tension to be gone. Talking to him is worse then talking to a coworker that i don't like. I don't feel like I should have to fake conversation w/ him. it should just flow. There is tension and I hate it. I get so anxious around him and can't think of what to say. I know i have conditioned myself into believing that he hates me or thinks im boring or dumb. I know this is not the case. He had a horrible childhood and, yes, i am giving him the benefit of the doubt. 

I would like to get to know my father, but I am afraid that my idea will sink. Please help me if you've been through this.

Also, he is an alcoholic.

Can you condense the text into a few key points?
<bot>: My father and I have had a hard time getting along. Him lacking affection made me the same, I would like to change that about our relationship. I don't know where to even begin.