<human>: Can you give me a shortened version of the text?

Yesterday I was hungover to fuck.

So to sort this issue, I thought I'd order in some Chinese food.  I like quite spicy food so whenever I tend to order it in it's got something hella spicy in there.  As most of you will know, eating food when you are hungover goes one of two ways - it either makes you feel great, or it makes you feel like total shit.  Unfortunately for me, it was the latter.

About 10 minutes devouring my spicy Chinese I could feel my stomach going.  The outsides of my mouth started to water and I just KNEW I was going to be sick.  I ran to the toilet, stuck my head in the pan and started to spew so hard.  Now here's where it gets funny.

I spewed up this spicy Chinese so hard that it burnt my throat on the way back up (my throat was raw from all the smoking ciggies I was doing the night before plus the fact I was wretching to be sick).  You know how the water which sits in the bottom of the toilet bowl?  Well, I spewed with such ferocity that the Spicy Whitey (whitey is a British term for being sick) plunged into the toilet water, came splashing back up and went in both my eyes.  

It burnt so fucking hard and by now my throat and eyes were stinging like hell.  I swear I could hear hissing coming from my eye balls as the Chinese devoured it's way through my flesh.

To top things off, my roommate from the night before had been out with me and instead of a case of the whitey, he had a bad dose of the shits.  He'd been to the exact same toilet not long previously, so the inner porcelain was caked in smelly, smelly shit. I am never drinking or eating again.
<bot>: Was hungover and got spicy Chinese food.  Was then sick in my shit-caked toilet and had the spicy-toilet water-vomit combo splash into my eyes and burn into my soul.