<human>: I met a girl at work 10 years ago.

She's confused about a ton of things and has some mental imbalances (two of her three siblings have autism, and it seems to have impacted her as well), but brilliant. We became extremely close, though not romantically. She hurt me pretty badly about 8 years ago and I cut her out of my life. Since then I settled into what is now my life, went through some girlfriends, earned some degrees, nearly quadrupled my income, and now own a house in the city in which this woman lives.

Recently she tentatively got in contact with me and we had some drinks together. Seeing her again, hearing her words and recognizing her amazing intellect again threw me for a loop. I didn't talk much, but loved every minute of our time together. She's been the focus of my journals for years, but once again I am smitten by this energetic, intelligent creature. I hate her (TRULY hate her) and I love her at the same time, for I know her well.

Although there's never been anything officially romantic betwixt us, I was rather disappointed to hear she considers herself a lesbian - complete with past girlfriends (at least one) and stories of how "wrong" she felt for the longest time.

/r/relationships, I am confused, uncertain, and again smitten. This girl is the primary reason I drink (including right now, but often during the week). I can only assume I've done something stupid by admitting her existence yet again. This girl destroys my soul and I'm  certain I've avoided at least one marriage as a result. What should I do?

Condense the text into a few key points
<bot>: I hate myself and the girl I find unique and destructively perfect. How can I live a healthy life with this baggage?