<human>: Can you give me a shortened version of the text?

Let me just say, before I start, that I'm not the best at writing.

So, I got home today from Oklahoma, and felt *very* hungry, so I decided to have some jalapenos and other spicy stuff to eat, I walk in the kitchen and start cutting, too tired to remember to put gloves on, so as I'm cutting the jalapenos for my fabulous dish, I decide that it was a good idea to rub my eyes because I was tired, so my tired, moronic self rubs her eyes. 

This is where the fuck up begins.

As I'm trying to wash my eyes out, I still try to cut the jalapenos, and because I can't see, I cut both my index and middle finger and drop the knife on my shoe, cutting it, so as I'm already in a lot of pain, I slip and fall onto the floor, and stay there for a couple seconds until my roommate shows up.
<bot>: Wanted food, instead cut my fingers and shoe, got jalapeno shit in my eye, and slipped onto the floor.