<human>: Yes, this was in fact today. Back story time!
I'm a lonely enlisted member of the U.S. military and I am currently deployed. Under these circumstances ofcourse I take every opportunity I get to burp my worm. This happens in one of two ways. Either while showering I'll do my part in donating to the drain baby collection of my fellow brothers (always wear your shower shoes kids!) or when I am ever alone in my room I can get comfy and enjoy my favorite hobby since I was ten years old like it was intended. Now the clean up... this is where I fucked up. I had decided to use one of my shirts I use for going to the gym as my splooge towel and change it out every few days. 
So, today I wake up pretty late and have to rush to get my stuff packed and head to work. My routine is always the same, grab my pt gear, physical training, shove it in my backpack, and go. Without thinking I grab that used splooge towel shirt and head off. Now my twelve hour shift is over, get changed for the gym and meet up with the six guys I go with and immediately I become the highlight of the fucking deployment. I finally notice and it could not have been anymore obvious. About 6 nice big ejaculate stains from my sleeves, chest, back and stomach. Something is wrong with me, so I'm not even really embarrassed and just laugh with them and go change my shirt and finish the workout like a champion.

Can you give me a shortened version of the text?
<bot>: Burped my worm multiple times into my workout shirt. Wore this shirt to the gym with my six buddies. I'll never live this down.