<human>: Condense the text into a few key points

Reddit, I am mortified. And so is this poor old lady. 
Let's start from the beginning..
I was on vacation in my hometown to visit some friends of whom I haven't seen in over a year. We're really not the smartest group, and today really proved that.
I was at a 0g for a long time and really wanted to upsize, so my friend offered to stretch my ears for me (because I'm a wimp and can't do it myself). A couple of shots later, here we are, drunk in the bathroom and about to shove a taper through my ear. 
-Let me pause here and just say that there was no lube involved. No vaseline. No oils. We went in dry.
So anyway, on the count of three she shoved it through and I let out the most blood curtailing scream. My ear was bleeding and swollen, but no blowout. So we proceed with the second lobe. 
It was only after that we realized we didn't have those stoppers ('o rings') to put on the ends of the taper. I never realized how important they actually are until now.
Fast forward to today. 
I was on the plane next to this sweet old lady while my ears continued to swell and just throb in pain. All was fine, and we were having a small conversation. And then we took off.
I guess the change in pressure of the takeoff plus the pressure in my lobe somehow cause the taper to fly out of my ear and onto this poor, sweet old lady's lap. I sat there in disbelief and ever so awkwardly picked up the taper full of blood and pus from her leg and slowly put it into my bag. 
At this time, my ear was bleeding and I could tell it took some serious will power for her to not look, or say anything.
Safe to say, the rest of the flight was pretty quiet.
<bot>: I dry stretched my ears the day before my flight,  only to have my ear eat shit and send the taper flying into an old lady's lap.