<human>: Obligatory "this did not actually happen today" disclaimer. I didn't realize my fuck-up until the package was delivered today.

I went home this afternoon for my work break and notice an amazon package on the porch. I was instantly ecstatic. I'm a huge space nerd and had ordered a nebula themed phone case online a few weeks ago, but it seemed to have gotten shipped late and hadn't arrived.

I rushed inside to open the package, my dog barking and begging for attention at my heels, but he could wait. I had been eagerly anticipating this phone case for weeks. You can imagine my surprise when I open the package to find a Russian conspiracy theory book inside.

What in the actual fuck.

Upon further inspection I realize that the UPS label mentions single day air shipping. Oh fuckitty fuck. 

I check online, and sure enough, I had ordered the book for reasons beyond me during a tequila induced blackout. The sad part is that I have Amazon Prime and could have had free two-day shipping, but for some reason my drunk self thought it was imperative that I have this book as soon as physically possible.

I also discovered that there is another book on the same topic that is being delivered tomorrow. 

My phone case still hasn't arrived.

Give me a shortened version of the text
<bot>: Don't drink tequila kids. You'll end up ordering a Russian conspiracy theory book online and having it express shipped overnight to your house.