<human>: Once upon a time, when I was around 13 or so, I had newly discovered the practice of 'beating the meat' so to speak. Being home-schooled I had decided that the best place to do this was in the bathroom under the pretext of going to the loo, taking as company any images I was able to get my hands on. Seeing as how 'jerking the gherkin' took longer than my average bathroom break, and the alarming frequency of which they occurred, my mother naturally became suspicious/worried. 

After about a week while in the middle of 'brushing up on my typing skills' she asked me if I was okay, not being the sharpest tool in the shed, I replied with "I feel sick, I thinks it's diarrhea." (forgetting that diarrhea is the one where you defecate small waterfalls, not the one that explains long toilet stops) she in turn said "well it has been going on for a week now, so I think we should go to the doctor."
Apparently I had a severe case of 'ithinkmyparentsarestupid' so I agreed. 

So off to the doctor it was, after lying to his face for about 5 minutes, he (a friend of my mothers mind you) decided that he needed to see a urine sample, now I am no medical professional, but older me sees very little logic in asking for a urine sample from an obviously healthy kid who is complaining of diarrhea. But there was no way I was backing out now, urine sample it was. After receiving the sample and looking at it very briefly he decided that a stool sample would be needed. That's right, I now had to poo into a container....which I did...and then claimed that "it was the first normal one in weeks." Anyway he decided that he would have them analyzed and contact me later that week.

He never did, and my 'get to know me' sessions were  swiftly relocated. Worse is I never figured out they knew until several years later and my mother stills gives me hell for thinking she was that stupid.

Can you condense the text into three sentences or less?
<bot>: Mom made me go to the doctor to prove I was sick and not just wanking, which I did...even though I was just wanking