<human>: Can you condense the text into three sentences or less?

This actually happened Wednesday, but whatever.

I had just got back from my two hour commute from classes.  I made the mistake of getting a slice of pizza at the train station before hand (I'm lactose intolerant, I was hungry, my train was leaving in 10 minutes...it was the only real choice) and had just had a 30 minute crap session.  Whilst doing this, I was texting my girlfriend and she had just told me she was done with classes.  Now, she's a PhD student in a college half way across the country, so I jumped on this opportunity to get in a quick video call before she needed to get back to school work.  As I finished up, I hit the video call button and rushed to get out of the bathroom.  I put the phone down next to the sink, begin to wash my hands, and slam down on the top of the soap dispenser.

Now, a little back-story.  I have a habit of refilling or replacing the liquid soap when it needs it.  90% of the time, I just pour a little water in whats left of the soap and that means a week or two of being able to use it.  The nozzle on the dispenser was also clogged with gunk...and me being me, I never cleaned that shit out.

Fast forward back to the bathroom.  As my phone is ringing, I slam down on the soap dispenser, forgetting I had "refilled" it.  This cream/light gray, liquidy goop comes spraying up at me.  Usually when this happens, it goes right on my shirt, but the gunked up nozzle ensured that shit got all over my face.  Soap was all over my glasses, also somehow under my glasses, running down my cheek, etc.  Lo and behold, this is when my girlfriend decides to pick up the call.  She sees me covered in this shit, laughs, and says "I never thought you swung that way".  I look down at my phone, soap now dripping down my nose, and she says she has to go, and I don't get a single word in edgewise.  The next time we get a chance to talk will be Sunday night.
<bot>: Video called GF after taking a shit.  While washing hands, soap dispenser gave me a facial.  GF answers call, sees me, and makes gay joke before hanging up immediately.