<human>: so in my late teens i was in an abusive relationship with a girl (me :18M her:17F) for about 4 years, it took me a long time to get out of it, and an even longer time to admit what had actually happened. since then i have been in an out of relationships but recently a date with a guy left me wanting to abstain from the dating scene for a bit so i can stop being so much of a mess.

so far i've come to the realisation that many of my relationships have fallen apart because of shit i internalised in the abusive one. things like low self esteem, codependency, always expecting to be berated, i wont go into too many details, but its skewed my image of what a relationship should look like. even when i had relationships where we were good for each other, i freaked out and ran. i didnt really have much before that one except for a thing with a guy, but at this point i had internalised bullshit ideas about attraction and freaked out there too. 

now im at a point where i want to fix this, so i can actually be close to someone without being co-dependent or freaking out. i have no idea where to start, how the hell to start building an idea of a "healthy relationship". Does anyone have any advice?

Condense the text into a few key points
<bot>: after an abusive relationship i realise that my ideas of what a healthy relationship means have been skewed, and i dont know what to do about it.