<human>: I could never really bond with anyone (childhood stuff), so I keep repeating the same relationship patterns. 

My first boyfriend was an abusive jerk, but i managed to leave him.
Then there were emotionless one night stands, that made me feel like crap, but it was still safer than bonding.

And now, I'm in love with a guy who is aroused by hurting me (though he doesnt do it without my consent), who will probably leave my country in 6 months, and who is clearly not in love with me, only enjoys my company. No gifts, no compliments, no small things to make me happy. 

If a guy who actually cares about me appears, I run in the other direction. I don't believe that anyone could be honestly interested in me. 

Guys who care about me annoy me, and I dont find them attractive the slightest. 

I want to change that, but I dont know how to do it without lying to myself.

Should I continue my superficial relationship with the guy I'm in love with, enjoy it, observe myself and him, learn, be in the now and hope that with time I will start wanting something more healthy? 

Or should I tell him to stop writing me, suffer, long for him, and hope that it will be over soon, and it will give space for something better?

I'm afraid of getting stuck in this, being powerless.
I'm afraid that I am the one ruining everything with her distance keeping. 

I am either ice-cold, or if my walls come down, I can get very attached. 

What are the compromises one should be making?

I dont want a relationship without spark, but I only get the spark with non-loving guys. 

I'd be very happy if you could help, share experiences and thoughts.

Can you succinctly summarize the text in 1-3 sentences?
<bot>: stuck in abusive, non-loving patterns, i want out, but have no idea how i could do it if i want to stay true to who i really am.