<human>: About 4 years ago, someone got a hold of my debit card information via an online store and bought a $400 SSL certificate as a "this is what you get" kind of message to me.  

I called my bank and they contacted the credit bureaus and they froze my credit for security reasons. When I tried to unfreeze it, my bank told me I would have to deal with the 3 major credit institutions individually. So after using the online tools to unfreeze my credit, the sites told me that "I didn't have a credit freeze", but when I go to request my credit report, they return a blank report saying that it can't be retrieved due to being frozen. 

So their systems both simultaneously think I'm frozen and unfrozen and I have no idea where to start to undo this mess. It seems like I have some hours on the phone ahead of me and sending in my birth certificate and other original documents might be necessary.

Can you give me the gist of the text in a nutshell?
<bot>: Credit unions cannot accurately determine if my credit is frozen or not and I can't do a whole lot of things in America until I fix it.