<human>: Happened just two days ago. Finally mustered the courage to tell others.

I had never used a bidet before in my life. Whether it be the lack of availability, no curiosity, satisfaction in other wiping methods, etc. All irrelevant, I had never used one.

I recently moved into a new house, where the landlord had installed bidets in each bathroom. Even though they were now more available than ever, I refused to try them. In my eyes, they were still a bit too weird for me.

Well, after hearing Duncan Trussell's monologue about bidets, and after a particularly messy restroom use, I decided to go for it. I thought, "Fuck it. Obviously it's used for a reason. People must like it. Ron White said he enjoyed it. I should be progressive for once in my life and try it."

So I fire the bad-boy up, and test the water. All good to go, a nice cool stream. I check the wind and the altimeter of the porcelain airfield, and clear my ass to land. 

Little did I know the bidet needed some time to warm up the water to it's selected heat. I thought it was instant action, and good to go. So I have the faucet at about 3/4s of the way on the heat scale.

It was doomed from the beginning.

Like a river through a canyon, the stream of water shot straight through my crack, scorching everything at about 6,000 Kelvin. For the two seconds I was down there, it had burned the land like a wildfire in California. 

I immediately jumped up, ran down to the kitchen, and began to look for ice.

The landlord thought he was fancy for installing bidets. So it must have been too fucking fancy to install an ice maker. Because I had to resort to using summer freezer pops in a Ziploc bag as my form of coolant.

I spent the rest of the night belly down on the bed. Happy Time was not conducted.

Can you summarize the given text in a few sentences?
<bot>: Used a bidet for the first time, burned my ass crack, Otter Pops took one for the team.