<human>: Can you give me the gist of the text in a nutshell?

This didn't happen today, but a couple of years ago, maybe. 
So basically, I'm lying in bed at my nan's house where we stay when my mom is at work. I think I'll do a bit of night time reading so I carry on reading this autobiography of a comedian I love. This book is not mine. It is my auntie's, who has lent it to my nan, who has lent it to me. 

So later that night, after I've put the book on the floor next to the bed, I start to feel a little frisky, so I start bashing the bishop. Now this had come as a surprise, so I had no tissue, so for some strange reason I angled myself over the side of the bed when I was about to blow, and it flew into the darkness. Then it dawns on me. I reach over to pick up the book, and I hold out some hope because it is a hardback copy, so if the worst has come to the worst, I can wipe it down and no one will be any the wiser. Due to my spectacular misfortune however, my product landed right on the side of the book, on the pages, which quickly absorbed it. So I do my best to get rid of the stain, but I end up having to give it back. She never said anything though so maybe I did a better job than I thought. To this day I don't know where the rest of it went through, it was dark.
<bot>: Felt a bit frisky in the night, accidently finished on the pages of a book borrowed from a family member