<human>: Unlike other posts that reference F*** ups from years ago, This FU isn't even over yet.

I'm writing to you people from ground zero still not knowing what to do.

So here's where it begins. I'm in the process of moving back east. From Montana to New Jersey. However me and my gf had to be out of our apartment yesterday and her parents offered their home as a stop-gap between moves.

That being said, I haven't been able to take a proper poop for DAYS. 

So about an hour ago I wake up from this pain. It's like a harsh pressure in my bowls, like a guantanamo prisoners colon. I begin to weigh options of how to handle the 8th wonder of the world stirring inside of me. Then my large intestines decided for me. 

I hobble my way to the bathroom and reenact Hiroshima. 

This is probably one of the longest, hardest, biggest shits I've ever taken. I can't imagine child birth yields as much. Only after two days living at my girlfriends parents house, after all their generosity, I clearly devastate their bathroom. 

It's 5 AM, the house is asleep, and no plunger in sight. I write to you seated on this porcelain throne, contemplating every decision in my life that's lead me to this moment. I have no idea what to do.

Condense the text into a few key points
<bot>: Took earth shattering shit at my girlfriend's parents house. Was distressful, later blamed aftermath on her younger brother.