<human>: Could you distill the essence of the text into 1-3 sentences?

Today I fucked up huge guys. I am writing you this while locked inside the bathroom and I seriously don't know what I'm going to do. Here is some background on the situation. For the past few days I haven't been able to poop. I don't know why, I tried multiple times, but to no avail (until now).I didn't have work today and the snow storm canceled my classes, so I decided to spend some time with the SO. Whilst sitting in her basement watching TV I got the worst feeling in my gut I have ever felt. I knew it was time. I got up, said nothing, and speed walked to her bathroom. I sat down, relaxed, and let nature do its work. However, what I didn't expect was the greatest storm of shame I have ever known to come blasting out of my butt. This storm of nastiness was accompanied by a 12 inch shame snake of poo. After releasing this behemoth I catch my breath, spray some air freshener, and flush the toilet. It plugs. I quickly clean myself up so I can stand and try to assess the situation, but what I see makes me lose all hope. A massive chocolate mess is staring back at me and I can see just the head of my shame snake peaking out. At this point I'm freaking out so I grab the plunger and start going at it like I'm churning chocolate butter. Bonus points: In this process I accidentally dipped my tie in the mess (yes I wear ties, they look nice). I keep plunging but it won't flush! Double bonus points: all this plunging has successfully turned this mess into a consistent light-brown chocolate soup. I have been in here for 30 minutes minimum trying to figure out what I'm going to do. Reddit, please help me fix this.
<bot>: Unleashed the storm in my SO's toilet and now I have a chocolate tie, a new pet snake, and a lot of explaining to do.