<human>: I have a disc out of place in my back so I've been on Percocet for about three weeks, which has kept me from having a productive shitting session in almost an entire full moon. 

Anyway, my doc put me on a prescription laxative and my mom, being the crafty gypsy nurse she is, found an old bottle of it from my sisters surgery. I took it at 12PM that day and went out that night to the bars with friends, feeling fine. Around 11AM my stomach started growling and I started getting a fever along with my vision blurring like crazy. 

I waddled to the bathroom with my ass cheeks clenched in a vice grip only to see the only stall occupied. I shouldered the stall open (some guy was in there peeing standing up) and I shoved him out of the way and unleashed the loudest ass cannon ever.

I painted a Jackson Pollock all over the toilet bowl. I almost wanted to take a picture of it so it could be some sort of new abstract art. I made it home and continued to unleash everything. I might have even lost a kidney. I checked the medicine bottle only to find it was SEVEN YEARS OLD.

Summarize the given text in a few sentences.
<bot>: took 7 years expired presciption laxative because I was too cheap to buy a new one and it caused me to paint a Jackson Pollock all over the toilet bowl of a popular bar/club in my neighborhood.