<human>: Can you give me the gist of the text in a nutshell?

So I'm walking out of my girlfriend's room to get an ice cream from the freezer, she asks if she can have one, I say no so she jokingly says "go f*ck yourself". Before I reach the freezer, I thought it would be funny to send her a picture of me pretending to try what she suggested. I pulled down my shorts, put my man tool between my cheeks, made an angry face as if I were struggling to get it in there, and captioned the picture with the caption "It's not working !!!!!". As I come back to her room her mom comes storming down the stairs screaming "Good god CanadaCanadaCanada99 what is wrong with you! This is not real life!" I then realized the last text I had received today was an imessage from my girlfriend to me and her mom sending us both her new class schedule. That created a rare group chat between the three of us. Instead of sending the picture of my "failed attempt" at doing myself to my girlfriend I had sent it to said group chat which popped up on my her mother's phone while she was sitting right next to my girlfriend's father. She opened the text. They both watched as I appeared to be violently struggling to force my tallywhacker into my own bottom. As I explained myself her mom ended up in tears from laughing so hard but her father couldn't even look at me. I can't wait for the ride to work with him tomorrow morning.
<bot>: gf tells me to go f*ck myself, I send her a pic of me jokingly attempting it, goes to her parents instead. Have to work with her dad tomorrow morning.