<human>: Can you provide a brief rundown of the text in within 3 sentences?

This took place in the last 15 minutes (so an actual tifu)

So it started off American enough. Went to my roof to watch some local pyrotechnics, had a few beers in me and nice big pint of New Belgium in my greasy, American palm. 

Then just as I'm getting comfy cozy, I hear my dog whining to come get some pets.
"OK I'll just bring her onto the roof with me, what could possibly go wrong?"

She gets carried up.

No problems so far, everything is probably just gonna be fine and she'll just sit there and appreciate the thunderous applause of drunk college kids and exploding Freedom...

Nah.

She gets restless and starts to cry and what's to go inside.

*Whowouldathunk.jpeg*

I start to carry her off of the roof (its like a two tier roof so its a struggle but I'm strong af so whatevs)
I get her off sage and sound, she salutes me, thanks me for my service and trots inside.

Here's where I fuck up.

As I start to walk back to where roof base camp alpha is located, I trip and stub my entire foot on one of those vent things that most roofs have.
Ouch?

It stings but I'm a god-fearing,  red blooded American so I just kinda shake it off and continue my climb. 

I sit down, turn my flashlight on to check the dmg and low and behold, I gashed open the whole top of my foot in a perfect line just above my toes.

Blood spills, I grit my teeth and my girlfriend freaks out.

Now I'm sitting on the couch with a towel wrapped around my foot waiting for her to get gauze from the restaurant we work at about a mile away
<bot>: sliced the shit outta my foot on my roof. just go to a park to watch fireworks like a normal person. And fuck dogs just get cats or some other rodent.