<human>: So, obviously this didn't happen today, but in fact on Saturday.
End of A -levels went out to get completely tabled at a friends house.
This plan was perfect up until about  11/12 pm.
I have  6mm stretcher in my ear, something I've had for about 1 month now, so as the night wore on one of my friends decided it would be a great idea to fit a straw through my stretcher and try and drink my drink through it(vodka, rum + cranberry juice), in my inebriated state I thought this idea was one of the best I'd ever heard. It was not. 
To make a long story short,he slipped off his chair with the straw in his mouth ripping out my stretcher causing my whole ear lobe to rip.
Not realising this until morning due to the circumstances of my mental condition at the time, I woke up in a pool of blood with an atrocious smell, go to the bathroom to see what's happened and I have a gigantic gash in my ear and I am writing this with a bandaged head with a bag if frozen peas taped to my ear

Can you give me the gist of the text in a nutshell?
<bot>: friend tried drinking a drink through my stretcher with a straw, slipped ripped  my ear lobe,fucking stings