<human>: Can you give me the gist of the text in a nutshell?

Obligatory, this happened while I was in college. So it was my 21st birthday. For my birthday, I decreed that our apartment party would only consist of copious amounts of Yeager and Red Bull. At the time, I was talking to this super hot freshman that was really into me, and I the same. The entire night, she was grabbing at me and whispering in my ear all the crazy things she was going to do to me later when everyone left. The party was going great, everyone was 50 shades of fucked up, and I had a sure thing going with this girl when all of a sudden, in my drunken state, I got the brilliant idea for go for the grand slam, a 3-some. This would not have been the worst idea ever, except for the fact that I decided to text my ex to come to the party and give that a whirl with the girl I had been talking to. Turns out, I'm not as smooth of a talker when I'm shit faced as I thought, and within 5 minutes, they both had stormed out, and I was left with my lonely palm for the end of the night. Both girls never talked to me again, and the super hot freshman ended up being a big time model for some lingerie magazine.
<bot>: Got hammered, tried to get a three-some with future model and ex, left to crank my own shank instead.