<human>: Can you condense the text into a few key points?

So I'm a swimmer on the Irish swimming squad and I just got moved up a rank. Since I want to make a good first impression, I decide to turn up to training an hour early and do some laps around the pool to warm-up, but first I go shave my pubes in the toilets in the changing room there. While I'm in the toilets I hear some lads outside talking about how they're expecting a new fella to turn up today for training, and I realize that their probably on my team.

Turns out, training starts an hour earlier then I thought, and I actually turned up on time. I rush to finish shaving and quickly throw on my speedos and run outside. They've already started swimming so I introduce myself to the trainer and jump in. 

After about 1 minute of swimming I notice that everybody's hopping out of the water. I look around to see why, and I see that the water's all gone red. I'm pretty disgusted and I realize that some poor girl has gone into the water while on her period and the tampon's fallen out. 

I look around to see if I can find who the unlucky girl is when some cunt points at me and shouts "what the fuck". I look down and there's blood dripping from my speedos between my legs. I run into the bathroom faster than a granny who's late to mass and throw off my speedos. I must have cut myself when I was manscaping but now I can hear all the lads laughing as they come back in, because the trainer probably called the session off because the pool was full of blood and nobody would swim in it.

Now I'm posting this in the bathroom balls naked with a group of fellas outside who think I'm a transgender woman.
<bot>: I shave my pubes in a rush, hop into a pool and bleed, and now my swimming squad think I'm a woman.