your horoscopes <u+2014> week of november 1, 2016 horoscope november 1, 2016 vol 52 issue 43 aries | march 21 to april 19 unexpected and startling events in the coming days will compel you to become more familiar with your monthly menstrual cycle. taurus | april 20 to may 20 please stop insisting you have nothing left to live for. the phrase you<u+2019>re looking for is <u+201c>never had a reason to live.<u+201d> gemini | may 21 to june 20 your firstborn child will have your eyes, thanks to delivery complications and the organ-donor sticker on your driver<u+2019>s license. cancer | june 21 to july 22 attempts to run away from the problem will fail this week when the problem turns out to be a short-circuited treadmill. leo | july 23 to aug. 22 your future as a songwriter ends almost before it begins when you find that someone has already compared the depth, power, and beauty of their love to an ocean. virgo | aug. 23 to sept. 22 the universe has a funny way of balancing things out. prepare to lose your other eye by the end of the month. libra | sept. 23 to oct. 22 all of those hurtful mother-in-law jokes will come back to haunt you this friday when you suddenly run out of hurtful mother-in-law jokes to tell. scorpio | oct. 23 to nov. 21 people say you<u+2019>re a control freak, but if you had your way, they<u+2019>d say it a little slower and maybe even a touch louder. sagittarius | nov. 22 to dec. 21 there is a time and place for everything, except for your loud and incompetent scat singing. capricorn | dec. 22 to jan. 19 for centuries fire was a sacred symbol of vitality and strength. keep this in mind as you roll around frantically on your kitchen floor this thursday. aquarius | jan. 20 to feb. 18 look to nature for encouragement and inspiration this week. do this for as many ungodly hours as it damn well takes. pisces | feb. 19 to march 20 you<u+2019>ll be honored as a true war hero, proving once and for all how dire the situation in iraq has become. share this story: watch video from the onion sign up for the onion's newsletter 




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your horoscopes <u+2014> week of november 1, 2016 - the onion - america's finest news source
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