accept your emotions. your feelings don<u+2019>t have to dictate your actions, says susan david, a psychologist at harvard medical school and author of <u+201c>emotional agility.<u+201d> research shows that people who suppress their feelings have a diminished sense of well-being, dr. david says. they also find that emotions they have ignored will bubble up at the worst time. this <u+201c>amplification<u+201d> is what happens when you find yourself yelling at aunt gertrude across the thanksgiving table. you can avoid this by processing your emotions. dr. david, cautions against what she calls a common cognitive bias: we judge ourselves by our intentions but others by their actions. <u+201c>people are more than just one vote,<u+201d> she says. plan for the <u+201c>if-then<u+201d> scenario. coach yourself on how you might respond in a calm way if a certain topic comes up. strategies might include reminding yourself to take deep breaths, or politely excusing yourself to help in the kitchen if you need a break. remember that the other person is complex. no one is perfect. <u+201c>everyone is trying to make sense of the world and do their best,<u+201d> says dr. david. so try to see each family member as a well-rounded being. this doesn<u+2019>t mean you have to agree with them. but you need to recognize that they have other life experiences that have informed their views. keep in mind what is shared. did grandpa teach you to ride a bike? did you spend summers building forts with your cousins? do your aunt and uncle love your children? remember this. just listen. be silent and let the other person speak. think of this as a spiritual practice, says melinda johnston, founder of the buddhi institute in rochester, n.y. this will allow the other person to be heard and to release his or her emotions, which will eventually lower the tension. the trick is to allow your rational mind, which will want to argue, to let go. it is fine to have the thought that your loved one is an idiot. but don<u+2019>t engage with your internal narrative. think of your thoughts as clouds floating by. <u+201c>the goal is to offer each other kindness,<u+201d> says ms. johnston. <u+201c>and that is a gift.<u+201d> use <u+201c>i<u+201d> but not <u+201c>you<u+201d> statements. <u+201c>i feel nervous,<u+201d> is fine. <u+201c>if someone tells me they are sad or angry or upset, i am empathic,<u+201d> says emiliana simon-thomas, science director of the greater good science center at the university of california, berkeley. <u+201c>but using a judgmental statement<u+2014>i am upset because of what you did<u+2014>is a difficult way to start a conversation.<u+201d> take a cue from the zulus. they have a greeting, <u+201c>sawubona,<u+201d> that roughly translates as <u+201c>i see you, and by seeing you i bring you into being.<u+201d> dr. david, who grew up in south africa under apartheid, says we need to see our own emotions and make room for them. and we need to see others as complex human beings. <u+201c>how can we bring our country together if we can<u+2019>t bring the holiday table together?<u+201d> she says. <u+2014>elizabeth bernstein
a family thanksgiving peace plan - wsj
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