this weekend, on a two-hour drive to their son<u+2019>s lacrosse tournament, cathy and jay ingram, of lancaster, pa., healed some wounds left from the long and divisive presidential election. ms. ingram, who backed hillary clinton, told her husband, a donald trump supporter, that the comments he made about evil emanating from anyone who supported mrs. clinton hurt her feelings. he told her he didn<u+2019>t realize she was hurt at the time and didn<u+2019>t mean it to be a personal attack. he apologized. she isn<u+2019>t sure they could have had the same conversation earlier. <u+201c>emotions were just too raw,<u+201d> says ms. ingram. with the election over, households that split their votes are trying to put their relationships back together. the holidays are approaching, which means extended family<u+2014>many with opposing political views<u+2014>gathering. avoiding an unsavory mix of gloat and gloom will require tact and tolerance. craig lambert, a marriage therapist in san diego, calif., was sad, angry and depressed that his girlfriend of three years backed mr. trump and didn<u+2019>t condemn the candidate<u+2019>s behavior toward women and comments about minorities. his girlfriend, debbie seid, who does executive and life coaching, was sad and disappointed that they couldn<u+2019>t have a civil and intellectual conversation. <u+201c>it was a real rupture in our relationship,<u+201d> says mr. lambert. <u+201c>we became polarized,<u+201d> she added. this weekend, they sat down and talked about how to move forward. each agreed they need to listen and be more open- minded, rather than defensive, and focus on what they agree on. <u+201c>it was a very hopeful conversation,<u+201d> says mr. lambert. from the wall street journal<u+2019>s <u+2018>bonds: on relationships<u+2019> column william doherty, director of marriage and family therapy at the university of minnesota, says politically opposed couples should put the presidential campaign in a box, leave it on the shelf and move on. <u+201c>if you didn<u+2019>t come to a consensus a year and a half ago, you<u+2019>re not going to come to one now that the election is over.<u+201d> people who need to vent about the outcome should do so with people who share the same view, but avoid getting locked into bitterness, he says. the vast majority of registered voters said they and their spouse or partner intended to vote for the same candidate, according to survey conducted a few weeks before the election by pew research center. how to reconcile with friends and family who backed the other candidate. source : william doherty, director of marriage and family therapy at the university of minnesota that puts the ingrams, who have been married 21 years, in a minority. the couple, lifelong liberal democrats, backed bernie sanders until he lost in the primary. to the disappointment of many friends and family, mr. ingram began backing mr. trump and posting pro-trump messages on facebook and twitter . one of his adult stepsons unfriended him on facebook. ms. ingram decided to back mrs. clinton, joining her parents and most of her extended family. the ingram front lawn, with signs for both trump and clinton, became a curiosity in this republican dominated rural part of pennsylvania. at home, they tried to keep things civil, not discussing politics at the dinner table. ms. ingram, who is 52 and working as a physical therapist, would come home to her husband, jay, 71, who is retired. <u+201c>i would walk in the door and he would ask if i heard this about trump and this about hillary,<u+201d> she says. she would listen for five minutes and go upstairs. if he continued, she would hold her hand up, making a peace sign and signaling for him to stop. ms. ingram said her support for mrs. clinton became lukewarm in the month before the election when more email questions were raised. she said she made up her mind on election day but refused to tell her husband how she cast her ballot. <u+201c>if hillary won, i didn<u+2019>t want to hear <u+2018>it<u+2019>s your fault<u+2019> for anything that went wrong in the next four years,<u+201d> she says. she also didn<u+2019>t want to hear her husband bragging <u+201c>i won, i won<u+201d> if mr. trump was elected. the night of the election they both went to bed at about 10. the next morning, ms. ingram said she was standing in the kitchen, getting ready to make coffee, when she looked up and saw a smile spread across her husband<u+2019>s face when he logged onto his computer. both he and their oldest son, who also voted for mr. trump, were elated. she didn<u+2019>t react one way or the other, and wouldn<u+2019>t say how she voted. as the day wore on and into the next day, though, she said she felt disappointed as the implications sank in about possible changes in health care, environmental policies and the supreme court, issues that she feels passionate about. when her husband became smug, she told him he was gloating and he stopped. he no longer comments on facebook about the election and took down his earlier posts. <u+201c>i just didn<u+2019>t want to deal with it anymore,<u+201d> he says. she is glad that she no longer comes home from work to hear reports of who did what on the campaign trail. that, in itself, eliminated some tension and source of conflict. some ill will remains. mr. ingram says he doesn<u+2019>t plan on attending thanksgiving or christmas at his in-laws, which is fine with them. <u+201c>i would prefer he would not come,<u+201d> says cathy<u+2019>s mother, jenny marsden. ms. ingram would like her husband to join everyone. <u+201c>i<u+2019>m a little torn of course but i don<u+2019>t want everyone to be walking on eggshells and no one to have a good time.<u+201d> she hopes that by christmas things will be more calm and the family can all be together. write to clare ansberry at clare.ansberry@wsj.com
how to reconcile with family and friends after the election - wsj
clare ansberry